Here's one way to tell if a cake order was made over the phone:
Followed by a three hour tour?
[For the record, that joke makes me feel reeeeally old.]
John and I just sat here saying the words "our" and "are" ad nauseam. We sounded a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Our? Are? Hour? R? Arr?"
Still, I take comfort in knowing you're all doing the exact same thing.
Now this one made us sound like the Count from Sesame Street. Which is to say, AWESOME. In fact, from now on, I'm always pronouncing "welcome" like "wheeel come."
Sometimes a cake makes you wonder about its back story...
...but the good news is Sam actually didn't give a flying crap.
And finally, here's a girl with a need for speed:
Yep. Rose really likes to put the petal to the medal.
Thanks to Rachel N., Sarah D., Scot N., Kelly R., F.F., & Jon A., who only caught that last line because they've had their coffee. Good work, guys.
*****
P.S. Now that we've gone over spelling, let's talk PUNCTUATION:
Remember when I used to rail against the cannibalistic indignity that is the baby butt cake?
Ah, those were some good times.
....
Let's do that again!
Hm. Given those "legs" and the hastily edited "Baby," you have to wonder what the baker thought they were making.
After all, bakers don't always have the firmest grasp on the whole "edible butt" concept.
For example, "broken legs shoved under a table" isn't quite what we're going for here:
Ow.
Parents, don't let childhood obesity get the upper butt on you:
Also watch out for TLS - teeny leg syndrome.
And while you're at it, parents, maybe wait 'til your baby is a little older before dousing their lower half with self-tanner:
I mean, c'mon, the cheeky little devil is barely half-grown!
'Course, sometimes a butt cake is more than just a butt cake.:
Sometimes it's a Toddler Torso cake.
Or, if you're lucky, sometimes it's a snaggle-toothed-monster-popping-through-a-sheet-cake-and-about-to-eat-a-rose cake:
Don't even try to tell me you don't see it.
And finally, for those of you who, like me, think the idea of ingesting a cake shaped like the poop-factory end of an infant is kind of disturbing, just remember:
...it sure beats getting a head.
Thanks to Maria S., Deidre P., Aubrey A., Anony M., Renee W., Roman S., & Debra for cracking us up today.
*****
If you don't read this in a snooty accent you're doing it wrong:
"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"
"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."
"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."
"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"
"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]
[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?
"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"
"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"
"Ah."
"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!
"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...
...and a menstrual duo."
"Ew."
"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."
...
"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"
Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.
Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!
No one does "dainty" like our grandmothers did. Mine recently gave me a bunch of her old jewelry, and there are necklace pendants in there smaller than my pinky nail. I'm talking TINY.
Kind of like the little accent flowers on this bottom tier:
The green even has a slightly translucent feel to it, like leafy green depression glass. SO PRETTY.
Did your grandparents go through a cherub phase? Mine had art, statues, some particularly memorable soap dishes... but sadly, no gorgeous cakes like this:
YES. Grandma, I take back everything I said about your avocado green fridge. (But I stand fast on my opinion of mustard yellow carpets.)
Did/does your grandmother wear pastel skirt suits? You know, those woven ones that were kind of scratchy? And that always had a giant matching brooch on the lapel?
John, sweetie, I just want you to know that I think you are all the way beautiful. Not just handsome, but smart, and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you...
...again.
And maybe we'd have a couple of chubby, freckle-faced kids:
And we'd laugh ALL DAY LONG.
...and go camping, play Yahtzee, and tell ghost stories by the fire.
And every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God... that I was the appropriate maturity level for you.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.
I think you're very special.
And most of all, I wish you love, and I wish you contentment, and I wish you would put some pants on while I'm talking to you.
That's all.
“Eye”
“Heart”
“Ewe”
Thanks to Kate B., Judi G., Camille B., Aria P., Reba S., Jennifer L., Adrienne, and Jamie B. for helping me get that out there.
I know it can be scary asking a bakery to do something custom, like, say, a school or brand's logo. But DON'T PANIC; I'm here to walk you through it.
First, print out a nice, clear image to bring in as a reference:
With something as simple as this Chanel logo, you can be sure there is simply NO WAY...
...that the results won't be hysterical.
When ordering a Saints logo...
...it helps to have the patience of one.
Oh, and when you give the baker your reference image, be sure to mention how closely you want your cake to match; some bakers take it more as a "guideline" than an actual rule.
"Why'd you use the S?!" "Because I don't know what the F is going on!"
Still, the most important thing, my friends... is to be glad you aren't ordering a Texas Longhorns cake.
Because seriously, that thing is the Kobayashi Maru of cake orders:
...you can't win.
(But hey, at least this one's got heart!)
Thanks to Amy B., Ashley B., Candace F., Amy B., Allison, & Chris L. for getting that last one off his chest.
So yeah, getting covid right after the Terminus festival (though feeling bad enough despite testing negative that I skipped the last night and brunch meet ups) started off my August with a lot of cancelled plans and quarantining. I had the fever and sleep for hours on my still negative days, positive days were about moving as little as possible as I was exhausted. I barely had an appetite, which was good as I had a full enough pantry to last until I was negative again. At which point my appetite came roaring back this past weekend and now I'm hangry all the time, guh. I tried to take it easy as I caught up on out of the house stuff, though returning the (quite heavy) not installed toilet to the hardware store with my sister was a challenge. A nice fellow building person offered help to get it down the stairs and into the SUV and despite my initial gasping refusal I took the help. Thank goodness we found a cart to wheel it into the store. I've been plotting out painting approaches to get rid of the beige, so I now have a nice supply of paint chips and a couple sample cans to play with. I want my red dining room walls back, and I think I'm settled on a dark green + cream theme for the master bathroom. Still waffling over the master bedroom, I have art that works with the light green of my old bedroom but I never liked that colour all that much. Kind of want to recreate the other room colour schemes though, the ice blue in the workout/gear room was nice... and I want my bright kitchen back!
Though most of that is on hold for a bit as I got laid off (finally!!!) yesterday. We'd had about 5 of our remaining about 20 people quit right after the year cliff on the stock grants vesting and I'd been waiting for the trading blackout period to expire so I could sell (and learning about capital gains). That expired at the end of last week and then we had a very last minute all hands meeting called Tuesday morning by HR. They'd been warning of restructuring for months after they cancelled our product in April, and I'd just started working with the safety CPU team to do integration testing but was pretty sure they wouldn't have noticed that new work and only focussed on my lack of depth of UI work. That hunch played out as I was contacted for my 1:1 in the being let go group. I have some digging to do regarding AB employment standards as they only offered me 6 weeks severance, but I need to find my notes on my service dates[1] and find out what they're basing that number on. Also sucks that my salary now is a *lot* lower than it was in the USA so even if I were to get closer to the 20 weeks I should get if you count from when I started at Veo, the dollar amount won't be super great. No idea how much I'll have to pay an employment lawyer if I have to retain one either. :-/ Guess selling that stock grant might be worth it.
I also had an outstanding expense report, and need to deal with the locked 401(k) that they weren't letting me touch from my time working in the USA after the acquisition.
Still very glad that I underbought when I got a condo here, I've got a very nice cushion left, and I also can stop worrying immediately about contributing to an RRSP that I might not have any contribution room for. Oooh, and I might be eligible for unemployment insurance! They're paying me through Friday and that's when I'll get the termination letter and know more details. Right now I'm just dreaming about running away to sea or the mountains. :-) I also need to jump gently back onto the workout train after my covid slump.
But it's also Pride Month here, so I have some fun things to look forward to that shouldn't cost me much money (might have to pass on the one drag competition if I can't get the cheapest ticket). I've also got some airline miles to use and should go visit my parents. Hrm, with lots of time on my hands, might see if I can find a cheap train journey to take as well. *resists looking at last minute Arctic cruises*
[1] Turned out I'd only texted my sister (on Jun 12) the information on service dates, so duplicating it here so that I can find it better in future: Length of Service was recorded as 6+ years (from my Veo start date which was listed as my Continuous Service Date). Time in Position and Time in Job Profile were both 10+ months though (calculated from Hire Date when we were acquired). The service dates are the ones they should use to calculate severance so they're gonna be on the hook for 6+ years rather than just over 1. That anniversary was going to be Sept 4th, just missed out.
For Chocolate Day we decided to illustrate a beloved children's classic.
I highly recommend hitting play and reading along:
(Note: Mild language at the very end. Also, it’s a Morgan Freeman impersonator.)
Everyone Poops
An elephant makes a big poop.
A mouse makes a tiny poop.
A one hump camel makes a one hump poop.
A two hump camel makes a two hump poop.
Hahaha, only kidding.
Fish poop...
...and so do birds.
And bugs, too.
Different animals make different kinds of poop.
Different shapes, different colors, even different smells.
Which end is the snake's behind?
What does whale poop look like?
Some stop to poop, others do it on the move.
Some poop here or there. Others do it in a special place.
Grownups poop. Children poop, too. While some children poop on the potty, others poop in their diapers.
Some animals poop and pay no attention. Others clean up after themselves. These poop by the water:
This one does it in the water. He wipes himself with paper then flushes it down.
All living things eat, so everyone poops.
Thanks to Stephanie M., Beth W., Lisa R., Dede H., Robin, Robin E., Anony M., Anna O., Anthony S., Wendi P., Anita C., Cassandra M., Christie D., & John W. for our crappiest post yet.
(Can you believe none of those were supposed to look like poop? Except maybe the rainbow swirly one - which I'm guessing is unicorn poop, and therefore gets a free pass.)
(SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
*****
P.S. In case your life was missing a set of cat butt magnets, I found you some:
What do you get when you go into a Mexican bakery, where they speak English, and ask them - in Spanish - to write "Happy Birthday" in English?
I mean, besides confused.
You get this:
Which, if I remember my 1st grade Spanish, means "The Happy Complaining Eagles."
Wait.
I took French.
[Googling]
Ah. "Happy Birthday English!" I guess that does make more sense.
Or...
What do you get when you go into a Chinese bakery and ask them to write "Congratulations Ian!" in both English and Chinese?
You get some reeeally enthusiastic “Englrsh chunese”, that's what.
Hey, I'm actually starting to feel a bit better about U.S. bakeries! Maybe we're not the only wreckerators out there. Maybe there are places even worse off in the wreckage department!
Never mind. Feeling's gone.
Thanks to our wrecky ambassadors Chris L., Mary S., and Kendra P. for fostering international unity. In wrecks.
*****
P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:
These little ninjas are EVERYWHERE. In fact, there's probably one behind you. You just can't see him, because he's a ninja. And also probably really small.
Then there are the LEGO video games, which have taught us that every beloved movie character is at least 43% cuter when LEGO-fied:
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